I’m a miserable mess right now on a seemingly continuous downward spiral. My period is due soon, so I’m semi-sure my emotional ineptitude is partly due to that horror and why I’ve been such a diva (when really, that’s not a part of my personality — I’m typically easy going!) I haven’t gained (thank goodness) or lost anything (damn), but I am disappointed in myself. For one, I skipped my dance class to see ParaNorman. Really!? I could have seen it after. Looking back over this last week, I see that everything “bad” that happened wasn’t the worst. I felt like I needed some self-care and I went to see a movie instead of indulging in the care that I desperately need right now.
I have always put all my energy into nurturing my skills like art and writing. I have never been my first priority. I will run myself ragged if it means creating something. Right now, though, I am burnt out and passionless. I don’t want to write and I don’t want to draw. I want to roll up into a ball, have babies, and live in the suburbs with a white picket fence, two cats, a dog, and a rabbit. I don’t even want to paint my mailbox up all cute, that’s how blah and lifeless I am feeling.
If I can kill myself for my art, why can’t I kill myself for me?
Er… you know what I mean.
Surprisingly enough, I did groceries this last week (opposed to skipping it to do other things), and all of it was of a healthy nature. Tons of leafy greens, yogurt, fruits, and quinoa. Bury me with quinoa, I love it so much! In fact, bury me IN quinoa. I learned how to cook leafy greens and also how to eat them for snacks (easy!) I’ve been watching tutorials on YouTube on different ways to cook vegetables because before now I always thought it had to be in a salad or in a soup to eat it. Eating uncooked carrots? Eating green mush that used to look like spinach? I had no idea! It’s actually pretty fun. Maybe there is something to this finding a fun way of implementing things that benefit my health. Kind of like the idea of finding fun ways to exercise so it doesn’t seem like it’s exercise…
And even though I called myself out last week about falling off the exercise wagon, I didn’t completely hop back on. I need to get back on consistently and stay on. There has to be an underlying reason why I start strong then just decide that sleep is more important than waking up early for a walk. Do I believe that I’m worth this effort? Most days I feel like I do, but how do I remind myself that I am on the days that I feel like a shit puppy? I’m going to make a strategy for this and get back to you. If you have any, please share! I would love to hear them.
I need to sync these two areas together and move forward. Ready, set, go!… again!