I have to admit I started my day with a lot of frustration. First of all I had another night spent with barely any sleep so I was overtired and extremely stiff and achy. The rash and welts that developed on my lower chin and left cheek this week was burning and itching like crazy. It took every ounce of my being not to start scratching away at my face because I know it would just make it worse and cause it ti spread and scar and that is the LAST thing I need. I am feeling my inner grouch working and irritating away at every ache, every raw nerve and urging Penny Pain. Lack of sleep does that. Then I get on my scale. I know I have had a good week. I expect to see good results. I expect to FINALLY see that I have attained and reached my first 100 pound goal. The digital numbers flash by as I hold my breath… till AGAIN… an IMPOSSIBLE number. It says 346 lbs. Walter and I look at each other in total disbelief. I step off and get on again. This time it says 344 lbs. I get on again. Then it says 343, then 342, then 345… We just don’t KNOW!!! I admit that maybe I have put on a couple of pounds even though I have been following my regimen because I am back on antibiotics again because of the rash and I am retaining fluids. It happens….but STILL. I just wanted to pick up my scale and SMASH it against the wall. This is the second week now that I can not get my weight. I am very frustrated. It’s just not possible for me to purchase a new scale at this time. Money is very tight right now. Hopefully it is just a matter of changing batteries. My scale uses those special silver disc kind so I have to search for them. Just ONE more thing to the ENDLESS list that have to be done. I know that is life things always have to be done. It NEVER ends. It’s just when you are over tired everything seems magnified.
So here I am on this beautiful, sunny October Sunday. I decided I am going to make a conscious effort to not let this get me down. I tell Penny Pain to back down. I tell inner grouch to simmer way down and after taking a shower and having some spiritual time I am feeling somewhat better. Then I get a phone call. It is a friend whom I have not heard from in a while. I am happy to hear from her and we are having a nice conversation but then I notice a change in her tone. She sounds troubled and the conversation turns into a whole different direction. I am not going to divulge what the problems were because they are personal but it ended up a whole new conversation. Let me just state this is a friend I do care about but since I almost died twice 5 years ago I tend now to be even more to the point and even more shall we say passionate? Also I have more self preservation. I just don’t have the energy that I used to anymore. Don’t get me wrong. I have a tremendous capacity for love and understanding and I am THERE for you if you are in trouble BUT don’t waste my time. Don’t come to me for help UNLESS you are going to take the steps to help yourself and you are going to listen to me and to Walter. WE… I just DON’T have the energy anymore for people who are just going to stay in their negative, destructive behaviors. I understand sometimes people are just not ready for change. I KNOW…..I HAVE BEEN THERE MYSELF and LORD KNOWS there are things ABOUT ME that I am working on that I am working on changing. IT’S HARD. I just don’t have the energy anymore… MORE IMPORTANT… I DO NOT do the bad behavior ANYMORE like OVER EAT and BAD EATING that I try to cover up and block my bad behaviors and emotions. I also used to try and HELP everyone to my own DETRIMENT. I left NOTHING for myself so I was MAD at my self so what did I do? I ate THE WRONG THINGS and TOO MUCH. Now I hold myself accountable. I don’t put myself in that position anymore. I will help you but you better be helping yourself or at least honestly trying.
So back to my friend… I have to admit. I was getting a bit frustrated with her. She kept trying to talk over me and she was not hearing me so you know what I did? I did something I NEVER did before. I told her to SHUT UP and I kept telling her to SHUT UP even though she was carrying on and crying till she listened to me. You know it worked!!! I did it several times during the conversation. I am not saying I solved her problems but I did managed to get through to her with a couple of things and made her feel better when she FINALLY LISTENED. I pointed out to her something I am just as guilty of too and LISTEN UP FOLKS possibly someone out there reading this can relate to this because it DOES have something to do with our weight issues and poor eating habits. We get so caught up in feeling miserable and are so used to feeling miserable and being the victims of our pasts. We don’t know anything else. Feeling good is ALIEN. Feeling good is SCARY. Feeling bad is what we know. Example: I am on this journey to feel and look better and I am working VERY hard. I run into someone I have not seen since I was first very sick and also 435 lbs. They tell me I look FANTASTIC! My skin is GLOWING. They can see I have taken off weight etc. etc. etc. They see that I am trying to walk and get out of my wheelchair. What do I do and say? I start to say ALL SORTS OF NEGATIVE THINGS about myself and focusing on that INSTEAD of saying THANK YOU and RELISHING in the compliments and acknowledging my accomplishments. I have done that. I looked back and examined and found that I did. I remembered that I shook inside and I was scared. I am. Learning now to accept the compliments and enjoying them and you know what? I DESERVE THEM!! I was trying to impart this to my friend she is like this, too. She and I have that in common. I gave her something to think about.
I finally had to get off the phone with her. I was exhausted. I just didn’t have it in me anymore so I said good bye to her. I could tell she was beyond listening anyway. I gave her a lot to think about. I have to admit though inner grouch was grumbling a bit because while I was on the phone with her my voice had gotten so loud that Walter had actually shut the door to my room so he and James would not hear me. I guess I was kind of shouting at her and I don’t like that. I felt I had to apologize to Walter and James for that so I did. James was all right with it. He was just concerned that I was working myself up and he didn’t want me sick over it. Walter also didn’t want me getting all involved. His protective instincts were up but I have to say this for him he didn’t right away jump at me. He trusted me to handle it and he heard I did and I did not get entangled.
By this time it is late afternoon/early evening. I could not believe my whole afternoon had slipped away like that. I actually wanted to write my blog and I wanted this to go in another direction but such is life and things happen in moments that kind of knock things off. I think you all know what I mean.
Well I have to admit I was too wound up to get right into writing my blog so I decided to watch some television and I watched a new BBC series on PBS called “Call The MidWife” which is FANTASTIC. It’s about the new Public Health system in Great Britain in the 1950′s. Nurses and Nuns taking care of people and delivering babies in East London. You have to see this! Also the new season of Upstairs Downstairs 2 which is not bad. It deals with the very beginnings of World War 2. The reason why I am mentioning this is while I am watching TV I decided to go on my computer and start to get ready to do my blog so when the shows were over I could get right to it. I wanted to see my week before blog 10. I had not looked at the comments in a few days and I see the lovely comments my dear wonderful friend from England Marty, wrote. She said something absolutely perfect and her gorgeous daughter Nina reflected… in Marty’s words and I do encourage you all to go back to my Week 10 blog and read her whole comment and Nina’s… “Life isn’t logical… human beings are more spiritual than flesh”… Marty is one of the most wise women I know and her three daughters Joanna, Nina and Elisabeth ( alled Beth) are also wise, talented beautiful young women. They have embraced me and brought me into their family. We may have a continent and a huge body of water between us but the capacity of love and the human spirit is much bigger than that and all encompassing. I thank God for blessing me and bringing them into my life 5 years ago. Marty is truly my God-sister and her daughters my Goddaughters, too. I also thank Facebook for making it possible for us to keep it contact.
Boy… this is a LONG ONE again!!! What am I preparing to do? Write my blog version of James Joyce’s Ulysses?
P.S. I am posting a picture of my birds Bella and Tony because they have been staring at me like this all evening. I think they are annoyed at me because I haven’t paid attention to them today. It’s cockatiel mush mush time now…
Have a great and blessed week everyone. Remember… don’t be scared to feel good. It’s all right!! Hugs!!!
Keep your comments coming!! I LOVE hearing from you all!!!
Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning how to dance in the rain. — Anonymous