Catherine Week 11: The Madwoman Of North Hollywood

I have to admit I started my day with a lot of frustration. First of all I had another night spent with barely any sleep so I was overtired and extremely stiff and achy. The rash and welts that developed on my lower chin and left cheek this week was burning and itching like crazy. It took every ounce of my being not to start scratching away at my face because I know it would just make it worse and cause it ti spread and scar and that is the LAST thing I need. I am feeling my inner grouch working and irritating away at every ache, every raw nerve and urging Penny Pain. Lack of sleep does that. Then I get on my scale. I know I have had a good week. I expect to see good results. I expect to FINALLY see that I have attained and reached my first 100 pound goal. The digital numbers flash by as I hold my breath… till AGAIN… an IMPOSSIBLE number. It says 346 lbs. Walter and I look at each other in total disbelief. I step off and get on again. This time it says 344 lbs. I get on again. Then it says 343, then 342, then 345… We just don’t KNOW!!! I admit that maybe I have put on a couple of pounds even though I have been following my regimen because I am back on antibiotics again because of the rash and I am retaining fluids. It happens….but STILL. I just wanted to pick up my scale and SMASH it against the wall. This is the second week now that I can not get my weight. I am very frustrated. It’s just not possible for me to purchase a new scale at this time. Money is very tight right now. Hopefully it is just a matter of changing batteries. My scale uses those special silver disc kind so I have to search for them. Just ONE more thing to the ENDLESS list that have to be done. I know that is life things always have to be done. It NEVER ends. It’s just when you are over tired everything seems magnified.

So here I am on this beautiful, sunny October Sunday. I decided I am going to make a conscious effort to not let this get me down. I tell Penny Pain to back down. I tell inner grouch to simmer way down and after taking a shower and having some spiritual time I am feeling somewhat better. Then I get a phone call. It is a friend whom I have not heard from in a while. I am happy to hear from her and we are having a nice conversation but then I notice a change in her tone. She sounds troubled and the conversation turns into a whole different direction. I am not going to divulge what the problems were because they are personal but it ended up a whole new conversation. Let me just state this is a friend I do care about but since I almost died twice 5 years ago I tend now to be even more to the point and even more shall we say passionate? Also I have more self preservation. I just don’t have the energy that I used to anymore. Don’t get me wrong. I have a tremendous capacity for love and understanding and I am THERE for you if you are in trouble BUT don’t waste my time. Don’t come to me for help UNLESS you are going to take the steps to help yourself and you are going to listen to me and to Walter. WE… I just DON’T have the energy anymore for people who are just going to stay in their negative, destructive behaviors. I understand sometimes people are just not ready for change. I KNOW…..I HAVE BEEN THERE MYSELF and LORD KNOWS there are things ABOUT ME that I am working on that I am working on changing. IT’S HARD. I just don’t have the energy anymore… MORE IMPORTANT… I DO NOT do the bad behavior ANYMORE like OVER EAT and BAD EATING  that I try to cover up and block my bad behaviors and emotions. I also used to try and HELP everyone to my own DETRIMENT. I left NOTHING for myself so I was MAD at my self so what did I do? I ate THE WRONG THINGS and TOO MUCH. Now I hold myself accountable. I don’t put myself in that position anymore. I will help you but you better be helping yourself or at least honestly trying.

So back to my friend… I have to admit. I was getting a bit frustrated with her. She kept trying to talk over me and she was not hearing me so you know what I did? I did something I NEVER did before. I told her to SHUT UP and I kept telling her to SHUT UP even though she was carrying on and crying till she listened to me. You know it worked!!! I did it several times during the conversation. I am not saying I solved her problems but I did managed to get through to her with a couple of things and made her feel better when she FINALLY LISTENED. I pointed out to her something I am just as guilty of too and LISTEN UP FOLKS possibly someone out there reading this can relate to this because it DOES have something to do with our weight issues and poor eating habits. We get so caught up in feeling miserable and are so used  to feeling miserable and being the victims of our pasts. We don’t know anything else. Feeling good is ALIEN. Feeling good is SCARY. Feeling bad is what we know. Example: I am on this journey to feel and look better and I am working VERY hard. I run into someone I have not seen since I was first very sick and also 435 lbs. They tell me I look FANTASTIC! My skin is GLOWING. They can see I have taken off weight etc. etc. etc. They see that I am trying to walk and get out of my wheelchair. What do I do and say? I start to say ALL SORTS OF NEGATIVE THINGS about myself and focusing on that INSTEAD of saying THANK YOU and RELISHING in the compliments and acknowledging my accomplishments. I have done that. I looked back and examined and found that I did. I remembered that I shook inside and I was scared. I am. Learning now to accept the compliments and enjoying them and you know what? I DESERVE THEM!! I was trying to impart this to my friend she is like this, too. She and I have that in common. I gave her something to think about.

I finally had to get off the phone with her. I was exhausted. I just didn’t have it in me anymore so I said good bye to her. I could tell she was beyond listening anyway. I gave her a lot to think about. I have to admit though inner grouch was grumbling a bit because while I was on the phone with her my voice had gotten so loud that Walter had actually shut the door to my room so he and James would not hear me. I guess I was kind of shouting at her and I don’t like that. I felt I had to apologize to Walter and James for that so I did.  James was all right with it. He was just concerned that I was working myself up and he didn’t want me sick over it. Walter also didn’t want me getting all involved. His protective instincts were up but I have to say this for him he didn’t right away jump at me. He trusted me to handle it and he heard I did and I did not get entangled.

By this time it is late afternoon/early evening. I could not believe my whole afternoon had slipped away like that. I actually wanted to write my blog and I wanted this to go in another direction but such is life and things happen in moments that kind of knock things off. I think you all know what I mean.

Well I have to admit I was too wound up to get right into writing my blog so I decided to watch some television and I watched a new BBC series on PBS called “Call The MidWife” which is FANTASTIC. It’s about the new Public Health system in Great Britain in the 1950’s. Nurses and Nuns taking care of people and delivering babies in East London. You have to see this! Also the new season of Upstairs Downstairs 2 which is not bad. It deals with the very beginnings of World War 2. The reason why I am mentioning this is while I am watching TV I decided to go on my computer and start to get ready to do my blog so when the shows were over I could get right to it. I wanted to see my week before blog 10. I had not looked at the comments in a few days and I see the lovely comments my dear wonderful friend from England Marty, wrote. She said something absolutely perfect and her gorgeous daughter Nina reflected… in Marty’s words and I do encourage you all to go back to my Week 10 blog and read her whole comment and Nina’s… “Life isn’t logical… human beings are more spiritual than flesh”… Marty is one of the most wise women I know and her three daughters Joanna, Nina and Elisabeth ( alled Beth) are also wise, talented beautiful young women. They have embraced me and brought me into their family. We may have a continent and a huge body of water between us but the capacity of love and the human spirit is much bigger than that and all encompassing. I thank God for blessing me and bringing them into my life 5 years ago. Marty is truly my God-sister and her daughters  my Goddaughters, too. I also thank Facebook for making it possible for us to keep it contact.

Boy… this is a LONG ONE again!!! What am I preparing to do? Write my blog version of James Joyce’s Ulysses?

P.S. I am posting a picture of my birds Bella and Tony because they have been staring at me like this all evening. I think they are annoyed at me because I haven’t paid attention to them today. It’s cockatiel mush mush time now…

Have a great and blessed week everyone. Remember… don’t be scared to feel good. It’s all right!! Hugs!!!

Keep your comments coming!! I LOVE hearing from you all!!!

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning how to dance in the rain. — Anonymous

 

About CatherineH

I am a NYC gal living in Southern California. I am an actress/singer/model who had a very successful career back in NYC but it was time to make a change. Little did I know that the change would come in the form of me becoming very sick and almost dying. It has been a slow and long process recovering, but I am doing it. I am now disabled but I am learning how to live with it and not let it define me.

6 Responses to Catherine Week 11: The Madwoman Of North Hollywood

  1. marty says:

    Dear Cathie,

    I think Bella and Tony look slightly nervous…were they in the room when your friend rang by any chance? Heehee.
    Thank you for your kind comments (blush!) ….I will take your advice (see blog) and try to accept the compliment gracefully.
    Regarding your weight loss, I think that it is quite possible that your medication is causing water retention. Personally, I would trust more to how your body feels rather than what it weighs. If you feel thinner and know that you have been good all week I would not pay too much heed to what a machine says. Body weight fluctuates, even for skinny people. Let your clothes decide, are they feeling looser? Does the elastic waistband still leave tribal scarring on your flesh when you get undressed at night? (Mine does!) Is your cleavage less a bottomless abyss and more a plunging valley? (mine’s still a fathomless abyss!) Most overweight people are minutely aware of their bodies and register every little change for the better…and for the worse.
    Just keep on doing what you’re doing and before long you’ll be losing again. Am sending up many heartfelt prayers for you and cheering you on from the sidelines.

    Love Marty x

  2. marty says:

    PS: Love that “mad woman” picture!

  3. misty says:

    My Mama Cathy, this is a beautiful blog. For a minute, I thought I was reading my journal lol but seriously,word for word, line for line, I heard it spirit, I felt your voice, I embraced your heart. Everything you have gone through and are going through are just paint strokes on the elaborate water colored canvas of your soul. With each year, each stab of guilt, each shout of anger, you become more beautiful with more stealth and strength. About your scale: that stupid thing is messed up. When I weighed on it, it gave me a hundred different reads in a 6 lb variety, each time something different. When I went to my sisters, and again when I came home, I got the same reading on both scales which was exactly the real # I was expecting. You have a birthday coming up, u should post your need for a decent scale and maybe someone will gift you with one :) Next addressing your friend and that whole debacle: I know exactly how you feel. You have a big heart, swollen with empathy and love, and bursting at the seams with forgiveness and genuine concern..its not even a desire, but more of involuntary need to be there for the lonely and help the hurting. My mother and i are the same way. It is what makes us who we are. Ive tried to say, “enough of this! No more!” But when the moment comes,there is no choice. But when life has all but betrayed you and has worn you down, you get a point where its not like you don’t want to help, you just don’t have the energy. Its enough to get through my own day, much less help you get through yours. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first for once. I do the same thing with feeling guilty or unworthy of praise and compliments,and I have to remind myself that I DESERVE love, I DESERVE affection and kindness. Its not until I see people like you and my mom struggling with it that I realise just how foolish I am being, bc if anyone deserves this gratitude and affection its you two. You are amazing woman with so much to offer. You are strong, you are pushers, you are never surrenders, you are capable, and come hell or high waters you WILL succeed if you don’t do trying, and death is not an option. Life abundant and joy is all you will settle with and thats inspiring, its sensational, and you know what? Its contagious. I know times are hard, so cry when you need to. Tell if you have to. But when you are finished, hold your head high, smile, and say as loud or as quietly. As you meeed to, “I AM A WARIOR… I AM WOMAN! HEAR ME RROOOOAAAARRR!” I love you with all my heart. Thank you for being you, and sharing yourself with me,

  4. Debi Therrien says:

    Cathy, thank you for sharing your beautiful stories. Has Misty mentioned that in big beautiful letters across the wall above my desk are the words, “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning how to dance in the rain”?!! :) Misty that was precious – you have such a beautiful heart. We all three rock, to put it mildly. LOL We will persevere and we will succeed and we MUST remind each other to dance in the rain. Love and hugs, Debi

  5. Helen Duffy says:

    Marty is right. You know when you have lost weight by the way you feel and how your clothes fit. Just keep doing what you are doing and you will attain your goals. You have the support to take you all the way. You can weigh yourself at your next doc appt. Until then, ignore the messed up scale and listen to your body.

  6. nina says:

    Totally agree with mum – I never weigh myself! Always go on how my clothes feel.Scales are machines and are so sensitive to the time of day, clothing, water retention, you name it! So keep motivated and the hard work will soon pay off! hugs xxxx