I am feeling frantic and guilty at the moment because I am writing this so late and I hate being late and feeling guilty. I think this is part of my problem. Getting so worked up about things. When I do that I hold it all in. Just like holding the excess weight. I have very legitimate reasons for being late with doing this but still the guilt is eating away at me. Interesting that I just used the word eating. So how does one handle feeling guilty about something and not literally eating the guilt away because you know as well as I do that the guilt will not go away. The food will maybe anesthetize. Not get rid of it. I admit that there is a pint of Ben and Jerry’s in the freezer singing its siren’s song to me right now. Promising to ease my guilty feelings but you know what, after spending these past seven weeks with you all and knowing you are all at my back I think maybe I am going to plug my ears and tell Ben and Jerry to “SHUT UP!!!”. I still have to deal with the guilt though.
My wonderful friend and spiritual daughter Misty is here with me now. She is one of the two young women I mentored in the BBC show “Rude Awakenings – Obesity” that I had mentioned in a previous blog that I was in. Misty and I have stayed in touch and have become very close. She is like a daughter. She is a very bright, beautiful, talented young woman. She has been sitting next to me on my bed while I am writing my blog and she just asked me “Hey Mama (she calls me MaMa) why are you wasting your time feeling guilty? In the whole scope of the large universe this is just a tiny thing. So you are aware of this and you make an effort not to be late again. Forgive yourself and move on. Don’t sweat it.” With that she got off the bed and went into the other room to spend sometime with James, my roommate.
Misty is so right. Not that this blog is not very important and yes I do have to get it in on time but don’t sweat the small stuff. I worry and feel guilty over too many small things and it stops me from focusing on good things and saps my energy. That is the major lesson for me this week to share. Don’t sweat the small stuff everyone. Let’s focus on our individual life style changes. On the things that make us happy. I am going to take a moment at a time.
This week I did not take any weight off. I guess my body is catching up. Last week it was a pound I took off. I did feel a moment’s sadness but then I told myself better that I have nothing than putting something on. I know I did not do anything to gain or go into a plateau again but who knows. I will see how my next weigh in is if I have to make any adjustments.
I am still delayed with the film I am supposed to do but I have seen the costumer and have been measured and know it has been built so I know it is happening. I went on yet another audition today for a TV pilot. This time I had to be dressed up provocatively because of who the character is so I must say I was getting some very interesting looks on the bus on the way to the audition. Thank goodness the casting director’s office was in my neighborhood and Walter was with me. Had I been alone I probably would had unwelcome company. I must say though I was dressed right for the audition as the casting director had a big smile on his face when I walked through the door of his studio. He also liked my audition! Now we wait and see if I get a call back but you know even if I don’t it’s all right because every time I do an audition and do it well it’s an accomplishment for me. The fact that even though I am working through my disabilities I am walking through the doors of those studios and making them see ME. One of these days some one will hire me for the part.
When I got home I was tired and I could not make it up the stairs just yet. In case some of you do not know I live in a second floor apartment with no elevator. Yes my dears, in my condition I climb 17 stairs then have to turn and walk down a long platform to my front door. It has not been easy. Thus has been my determination from the beginning of becoming disabled. I made myself go up and down those stairs. It was part of my therapy. There was and is many a time I can not do it so I have to rest down stairs and wait till I can climb the stairs like I had to do earlier today. While I rested our neighbor from across the platform dog Peoples came outside to say hello and keep me company. He is very affectionate. He reminds me of my dog Lil’Buddy that passed away last year. He’s a wonderful dog. Nothing like an animal to make you smile!!!
Well I am going to finish this up now. Walter is bringing my dinner to me. He as ever is a wonderful husband. He made his special pizza tonight!! Yum Yum!!
Many Many Blessings everyone!! Have a beautiful week. Remember… Don’t sweat the small stuff!!