Michaela Week 10: Big Girl in a Skinny World

Weekly loss update: -2 lbs.

Inches lost: Chest: 0; Arms: 0; Waist; 1/2″; Hips: 1/4″; Thighs: 0

These past 9 months have been part of a powerful journey; I’ve made great efforts to focus my energies on the journey aspect of my weight loss and not the final destination and it’s made all the difference. By doing this I’ve been able to understand and change my relationship with food, really get at the core of my exercise avoidance issues (still working on this one actually), and take ownership of lifestyle changes needed to keep me healthy and strong for the long haul. Focusing on the journey has helped me stay positive, laser focused, and disciplined.

This week however, I found myself edgy, critical and judgmental of those around me; impatient with even the smallest things, and not living in the moment. I was even disappointed with my 2 lb weight loss. “Is that all?” What was going on… and then it hit me.

On October 1st I got my calculator and calendar out and figured out what I needed to do to hit 140 by Thanksgiving; I would need to lose 3.5 lbs. per week. I readjusted my plan. I wanted this weight loss journey to move along a bit faster. I figured out what I would need to increase and what I would need to decrease to reach this new goal. Never mind that for the last 9 months I’ve been successfully averaging 2 lbs a week and have been perfectly happy. I wanted to reach my goal faster, I wanted to see those number decrease faster, I wanted to live in the world of skinny people… faster. I was no longer satisfied with the “slow and steady wins the race” attitude. What prompted this shift in thinking?

I know how the game is played. I put the extra weight on over the years and I’ve done the yo-yo dieting that takes it off fast only to see it come right back on again. This time I committed myself to transformation, not just weight-loss. Real transformation. This time would be different, yet somehow this past week my ‘get it done quick’ personality reared its ugly head. Let’s just be done with this already!

I’m thinking it may have something to do with all the new fall clothes catalogs arriving on my doorstep. I’ve been Goodwill-ing it with my clothes since my sizes are decreasing and I can’t afford to go out and buy new clothes every two weeks or so. I refuse to spend money on expensive large size clothing so I’m sticking to thrift stores until my weight stabilizes. All the thin models just reminded me of how far I still have to go, but wait, my journey isn’t about reaching a particular size. Was I getting sucked into society’s definition of beauty?

Or maybe it’s a magnification of other parts of my life that are generating a feeling of discontentment right now. Career options narrowing, 401K’s shrinking which means retirement dreams fading, commute time stretching, and relationship disappointments. I had the house to myself this weekend (a rarity) and spent some time in solitude reflecting on this. My weight-loss journey seems to be the only thing right now in my life that I have any control over. Sometimes that just happens… a season where life circumstances whirl out of control all around; I need one thing that I can control. As I’ve shared in a previous blog I believe that the Lord has something He wants me to accomplish that would serve Him but I need a healthy, strong body to do it. I don’t know what that “something” is and somehow I’ve fallen into the trap of thinking that if I hurry up the journey I’ll get to the “something” faster. That’s not how it works.

I’m sure you’ve heard this story somewhere: There’s a caterpillar that builds its cocoon under the watchful eye of a curious child. As the caterpillar readied itself to transform into a butterfly the child decided to help it along by cutting open the cocoon so the caterpillar could transform itself faster. The butterfly was born weak, with feeble wings unable to fly. The moral is: the butterfly required the struggle needed to come out of the cocoon in order to strengthen its wings to prepare them for flight and the child’s impatience caused him/her to miss out on what could have been a wonderful discovery and the beauty of flight earned. I’m sure there’s other morals in the story but I’m going with these two at the moment.

I think I still have some lessons to learn on this journey to prepare me for the destination, whatever or wherever it is. Forget the faster is better mode of thinking; with patience and respect I’m going back to my original transformation plan. It’s on the journey where I will become successful, where I’ll grow stronger and more disciplined. I need to be patient with myself and go through the struggle of the journey so I’m strong enough to fly when the time comes.

So today I went and got a mani-pedi and foot massage and I’m ready to tackle the journey again this week. I’ll do something lighter next week, like trying a new recipe or tackling Halloween ghouls.

Yeah! I lost 2 lbs. last week! Here’s wishing you continued moments of enlightenment on your journeys. 

About MichaelaB

I am a 'young' 56 yr. old adventurer in life. I am a single Christian woman living in Los Angeles County dedicated to working to strengthen the voice of those who have been marginalized by society. I have an artist's heart and eyes and enjoy making art around me. I have roots on both the East and West Coasts which fill my year with travel and seasonal changes.The Bible provides my direction in life and is at the core of my year of physical transformation.

One Response to Michaela Week 10: Big Girl in a Skinny World

  1. Karen Heldrich says:

    Wow. What are really well written blog this week. Really love the points you make about “get it done quick” mentality. Life doesn’t work that way. Keep up the good work.